You will be required to make some concessions in the event you decide to ask for help, it may be easier to understand a little of what you might expect. 

Plain talk is the new monthly newsletter that brings caterpillars together with community as well as one another.  The following is a brief itemization of Plain Talk expectations, remember it became difficult enough for you so that you finally asked for help, there are others within the fibrous structure that are cocooning.  Learn some of the plain rules in Plain Talk

1)   Never ask another caterpillar about their background.  As polite as it all may seem, you are asking to be told that you are out of line for making the inquiry.  Remember, you need your privacy, respect the privacy of others.  Do not ask about schools, medical help, or counsel of another caterpillar.  Do not assume that because they are staff that they do not have scars.

2)  Do not make any unnecessary phone calls.  Use calling cards to make tracing more difficult.

3)  Do not call your abuser.

4)  Do not call your friends and neighbors.

5)  Is your life worth the price of your house?  You must decide.  Are the lives of those who are helping you worth the price of secrecy?

6)   Once you change your identity, you may never again use your old identity because you have no OLD identity.  You may never again answer to the name Judy once you become Martha.  You may not go public.  You may not divulge to new employers, head hunters, even the IRS your changes.  As a matter of fact, the IRS does work closely with the Social Security Administration, so you are only to do as you are told.  Do not trust new boyfriends and friends with too much information because what they know could kill them.

7)  Do not plan to make friends with other caterpillars, in spite of the shared pain.  You would endanger one another.

8)  Do not contact your own family, if you are relocated from family members.  This may be more than a little painful, particularly if you maintained close ties, nevertheless, letting go is the only way to evolve.

9)  Do not tell your bank, phone company, or creditors.  You may have to face the fact that you may have to allow the debt to go against the old name because any attempt to reach in to settle, rectify, or transfer will jeopardize your banker's, phone clerk's, or creditor's lives.  You are being relocated because your life is at risk. 

10)  Do not feel indebted.  Everyone experiences some need, the need to give, the need to take, the need to speak out, the need to pray silently, the need to close the door without praying and without feeling any guilt for fulfilling the need; allow the giver to truly give by truly accepting the gift.  This may be difficult, especially if you were always active in community or church matters, always donating, helping, giving, to finally be on the end of the receiver is not a sin.  Be thankful you once gave and remember once the years pass by, you may live to give again.

11)  Do not connect.  Remember, now you are in a cocoon.  You are changing in ways you could not realize or expect.  Try to hold yourself away from high expectations, set small goals and reach your goals.  Give yourself plenty of time to reach goals you set.  If it takes longer than the time you hoped to reach a particular goal, it was meant to.  Be self-accepting. 

12.  Give the baby up.  This is the most painful thought a mother can conceive.  Sacrifice is an unusual beauty that has no measure.  If you believe you are going to remain strong to your convictions, perhaps the best choice you can make for the sake of the baby is to give the baby to a family that will love and nurture that child.  There are many choices, nowadays, in deciding to surrender raising your own child.  Some families are willing to co-raise a child with the mother's involvement.  Some families are willing to return the child once you are strong and secure.  Some families will agree to divulge to the child at the age of emancipation the names of the child's parents.  Some families will not want to share the life of the child with you, the natural parent, but they will provide a lifetime of hope, safety, soundness, education, and love to your child; it is not the worst decision.  It is not necessary that you give the baby up, if you decide that you will not do so, you have to make concessions for the baby's needs.  Where will the baby be safe?  If the baby's parent sees you or the baby, will the baby be kidnapped?  Reality is only whatever you perceive it to be as the old adage goes.

13.  Get help.  There is no crime in asking for help.  Get counseling, therapy, psychotherapy, medication, ministerial counsel, but do not neglect that those needs must be filled.  Time is not the best healer; time only creates a space in between the pain and instant recollection.  Only therapy can open the doors to release the pent up painful emotion so that you may evolve.  Talking matters over with friends is good, but there is no substitute for positive therapy.  One year of therapy should help to re-shape your life.  Therapists learn when they become therapists that being couched by other therapists is the only way to grow as therapists (J. Koessler, 198?).  Therapy is positive, look at it as opportunity to find closure then move on.

14.  Do not cycle.  The most common thread in violent relationships is the tendency to cycle.  The love connection comes around during a phone call or quick visit, thence comes the stage of feeling that maybe things are a bit better, thence comes the distance from some scar or scab freshly picked as the fresh blood rolls the intensity develops, soon the fights are on again.  You are not getting paid to be a sparring partner. 

15.  Break the cycle.  Go against the grain.  It is spoken in many domestic violence centers, it is coached in group therapy and private therapy, it is documented, but it is not easy to do.  If you have always found comfort or "happiness" in particular behaviors from another during dating relationships, perhaps what you are truly experiencing is cycling.  You always liked it when the man opened the door for you, or if you are a man you always enjoyed it when the woman reached over and unlocked the door as you escorted her into the car whilst walking to the driver's side; find someone who does not open your door or unlock your door.  If you always enjoyed going fishing so you have dated others with shared interests, consider going fishing alone or in your own group and dating someone who hates to fish.  You are going to find common ground in common love, which is never common.  It might be better for both of you to find independence and vary in the areas of dependency.  This does not indicate that declaring that from this point forward you will never speak of some matter or repeat some behavior because it did not work in the past.  The fact is that you were involved with an abuser.  Clear and simple.  You need to find ways to get involved with non-abusers, clear and simple.  Once you are involved with non-abusers those idiosyncrasies will never appear. 

16.  Don't talk about the past.  That is what therapy is for.  You will have to speak on the subject from time to time, however you can minimize the need by getting the therapy you deserve.  You will be a better listener, and the next time you give your love you will not be abused.

17.  Forgive yourself.  You did not know when love would come.  Like fish jumping in the sea, you can not guess exactly where that fish will again jump; but you can know that it is possible that since you are looking out to sea that you may see more fish jumping, or perhaps the same fish jumping.  You can only prepare for love so that when it comes you are ready to receive it, and possibly reciprocate. 

18.  Abstinence.  Keep your panties up and your dress down, or your zipper up.  Wait for the better one, love will find you.

19.  Minimize partying.  Alcohol can be wonderful or it can be poison.  Basically, ask yourself, "Am I having a drink to escape something?"  If you are escaping, wait for the drink until you are relaxed.  When you can say, "I am going to enjoy recreational drinking or partying," you will be the better partier.  Enjoy when you really are experiencing enjoyment, drink at those times. 

20.  Remember, now that you know there are others who secretly support your needs, don't be afraid to ask again if you have a need again.  If you do find yourself in a new relationship with another abuser, turn for help earlier on.  

21.  Love yourself. 

22.  Let others love you.